Greetings, Soshified members, and welcome to the first edition of The Cucumber, a new column that will offer a fresh perspective on the most interesting Girls’ Generation news stories. The Cucumber was inspired by the news website The Onion, which posts fake news stories written in a humorous satire format. When reading The Cucumber, it’s important to remember that it is absolutely NOT meant to be taken seriously. Events, quotes, and situations will be twisted and in many cases completely made up out of thin air, all for the for sake of creating laughter for the readers.

So if you’re ever reading The Cucumber and you find yourself thinking, “Wait a second, that can’t be true”, that’s because it ISN’T true, and you’re taking it too seriously. The Cucumber is purely satire, and absolutely not news. And just to try and be extra sure that no one ever gets confused, I will start and end every single Cucumber article with the following big red disclaimer:

Disclaimer: The story you are reading is NOT true. Do NOT take it seriously. This article is purely for laughs, nothing more.

With all of that said, let’s dive right in to the first article ever for The Cucumber!

Jessica Denies Rumors That She is Dating Taecyeon by Saying, “I Just Can’t Forget my First Love.”

Recently, Jessica of Girls’ Generation was seen out in public with 2PM’s Taecyeon, once again sparking rumors from netizens who suspect that the two are dating. The two were seen eating together at a cafe, and after they finished eating Jessica drove Taecyeon back to his dorm.

A few days after the two were spotted together, Jessica was asked during an interview for a Korean news program if she and Taecyeon are dating. She firmly denied the rumors by saying, “Taecyeon and I are just good friends, nothing more. We have a lot in common, such as our American upbringing, but we are not dating. Truthfully, I don’t think I could ever date him, because I just can’t forget my first love.”

The comment about her first love sparked tremendous interest from the interviewer, who proceeded to ask her to talk about the mystery person in more detail. Jessica eventually said, “We first met many years ago during my trainee days, and I had an immediate interest. He seemed rather cool, like he didn’t think much of me one way or another, but I definitely liked him and made my feelings clear after a short time.”

After pushing Jessica for further details, she stated, “My memories of him are so precious. We often spent time together after I finished practicing with the other trainees.” Fellow Girls’ Generation member Tiffany added, “Jessica often invited him to come and watch us practice. Rather than spending time talking with her fellow members after finishing practice, she usually would stick very close to him.” Jessica drew a huge reaction from the interviewer as she later went on to say, “I can’t forget his cool touch on my skin. I would get chills and goosebumps from it, and it really made me happy.”

The interviewer was persistent in asking Jessica to name this first love that she was so fond of, and at first she was reluctant, but finally she said in a shy voice, “His name is…. Aircon.”

Once the news program with Jessica’s interview was broadcasted, Naver searches for “Aircon”, “Jessica-Aircon”, and “Jessica Aircon dating” went up by nearly 900%, and reporters tried feverishly to find Aircon to get a reaction. Despite multiple attempts from various news sources, Aircon was not available for comment.

After the interview aired, several pictures were posted online with captions such as “Jessica and Aircon seen together in Girls’ Generation practice room!”. Much to the disappointment of netizens, however, the quality of the pictures was poor, and in some cases Jessica’s face was not shown directly. As a result, concrete proof of the Jessica-Aircon relationship remains elusive at this time.

Disclaimer: The story you are reading is NOT true. Do NOT take it seriously. This article is purely for laughs, nothing more.

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